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Pickle: Your Time Has Come

January 10, 2012

Photo by Maggie Mudd

I’ve decided that pickles are going to be the next big thing.  The next “bacon” if you will.  Why not?  Bacon’s had a very nice run and still tastes yummy, but why not pickles now?

Pickles are more complex in flavor and take a more mature palette than bacon.  Also, they’re a little friendlier to the heart and its network of arteries and vessels.  My daughter, Cali, thinks they are just the coolest thing ever… although she won’t eat them… yet.  But I think pickles are about to really break through the way bacon did a few years back.  In fact, I’m pretty sure you can do just about as much with a pickle as you can with bacon.  Maybe more.

Plus, 5,200,000 pounds of pickles are eaten in the U.S. every year.  That’s nine pounds per person!  Top that bacon! Okay, I’m sure bacon can top that, but bacon’s heavier to begin with.

Here are some of the great things about pickles:

  • Pickle juice cures muscle cramps.  And you can have it on hand for all your sports events.
  • Pickles may prevent scurvy.  Now that will come in handy.
  • You can make milkshakes with pickles.
  • Pickles are green.
  • You can fry pickles.  Have you ever tried pickle chips?
  • Shakespeare favored the pickle and used the word as a metaphor:
    • Oh, Hamlet, how camest thou in such a pickle? (Act 5, Scene 1)
    • Tis a gentle man here a plague o’ these pickle-herring! How now, sot! (Twelfth Night, Act 1, Scene 5)
    • What say you?  Hence, Horrible villain! or I’ll spurn thine eyes like balls before me; I’ll unhair thy head; Thou shalt be whipp’d with wire and stew’d in brine, Smarting in lingering pickle.  (Anthony and Cleopatra, Act 2, Scene 5)
  • Pickles are nonexclusive.  They make themselves available to all religious communities unlike bacon (mainly because pickles don’t have hooves).
  • Pickles are phallic.
  • Come to think of it, you can pickle bacon.  Why you would want to, I don’t know, but you can. I’m pretty sure you can’t bacon pickles.

Ultimately, the word pickle is funnier than the word bacon.  Yes, they are both funny words according to the theory that words with the k sound are funnier than other words, but pickle ranks even higher on the funny scale because of the “ick” sound.  Let’s face it, “ick” is funnier than “ake.”  Right?  Just saying the word pickle should bring a smile to your face.  And I know from my comedy writing work, pickle is a go to word.  When all else is failing for a comedian, the three go tos are sex, cussing, and the word pickle.

So join me as I make this the year decade of the pickle.  It’s time has come.

*This post was in no way intended to harm the bacon industry.  I love bacon. 

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